Until a couple days ago, I had never laid eyes on these photos. I write and speak about my entire life every single day, but to actually see myself like that… took my breath away.
I want everyone to know that this one wasn’t just a bad day; that this was my existence for many years.
I want anyone who’s struggling right now with feeling like maybe they’re too far gone to be saved… to see that recovery and healing are possible for every single person on this planet!
I remember times when I had a gutted out van to stay in that smelled of rotting flesh and metal. There were moments when I had motel rooms and actually got to shower. I had a few spots I could hang out at.
But mostly I remember the days and nights wandering the streets trying not to be seen by anyone.
When I say I ate from garbage cans, I really mean it.
When I tell you I lost the ability to read, I mean I actually could no longer put letters together to form words.
When I speak about the times I spent in withdrawals; shaking and sweating, dry heaving and shitting on myself… what I mean is I spent lots of time just praying for God to please just wipe me off the earth.
In some ways it’s hard to grasp that I was her and that today, she is me.
I have believed a lot of lies in my life. But the ones that hurt me most were the ones I told myself. The ones I believed since I was a little girl about not being good enough for someone to love. Not being capable of the same things in life that other people had. And not being worth anything more than a life of broken hearts and pain.
I look at these pictures and see a girl who never knew that there was anything better to fight for. I see a lot of bad decisions and mistakes made.
And I see a girl who was never worth anything less than she is right now.
She just didn’t know it.